"Hope ya know, we had a hard time" Elder Q.L. Cook

So here I am, feeling pretty helpless, frustrated, hopeful, heartfelt, loved, upset and most of all faithful. I am not the best example of a Melchizedeck Priesthood holder in The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I try to do good I really do. None the less this last General Conference was pretty awesome as they usually are and there were some things that reached out and punched me square in the head! The biggest one was how much faith I lack in my day to day life and how I always ask but never really strive for the answers on my own. I have realized I am in some circles what they call "a taker". The reason I bring this up is because here I am in the first 1/4 of November and feeling sorrowful and at a loss of what to do as a husband, father and priesthood holder in my home. As I strive for the answers as to "how?", I find my iniquities are in my way. Now I am sure that those of you who might read this may disagree and some may agree, whatever the case just know that i am not by any means righteous.
So the real reason I am writing this is because i have come to a crossroads. Back in April my lovely Bride had to endure something that I can not even conceive of mentally or emotionally. She was 18 weeks along and when we went in to the Doctors office for the 20 week ultrasound we found out that the baby had no heartbeat and that she would have to deliver because of its age. Well to make a long story short, she did it was a little boy and we named him Ryan. Seems his umbilical cord just twisted and cut off his life supply and he had been gone for about 1 week or so. I got to bless him and as much as i resisted I held him. You know that would have made it all to real for me. Being from a military background and a crash investigator i learned quickly how to separate the loss of human life from the reality of human life, though not always good in the real world it works wonders for the death side of our life. The other side of this was that now you see I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and as a member of The church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints I have the full truthfulness. I have the knowledge of the plan of salvation. So this made it a lot easier to be human about it. I just trusted that Heavenly Fathers plan was in action. I mean really who could deny this with the knowledge of the truth. While those around me were angry and cursing the Heavens, my beautiful wife and I softly sat and prayed for his comfort. We knew there was a greater good, even if that meant it was a trial for us. It was truly amazing. I watched two miracles take place that week. I got to see Heavenly Fathers Plan of Salvation at work in my life and I received the blessing of being able to Baptize my Earthly Father into the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints not more than 3 months after I was able Baptize my Earthly Mother into the Church. What a glorious trying time this was for me. I mourned but in hind site not as i needed to, only as much as I would let myself feel too. I have a tendency to get quite and deal with things internally and not really involve those around me not beacuse I dont want them involved but because I don't want them involved(its okay you don't have to get it). So I roll through it, talk to Heavenly Father about it, open up a little more to the one person I feel very safe doing that with and got past it. I havent forgotten it I have just gotten past it.
So up to date. Kim calls me on October 9th and tells me that she is Prego. I am stoked of couse but withheld beacuse of the April situation. I felt good about this pregnacy. We were at my parents house and I felt impressed to give Kim a blessing while we were there as well as she did. So I did. I dont recall most of this blessing, but I do remeber it being very powerful and guided. As time ticked by we come upon the big first Doctor visit to get the good to go signal. Of course there was apprehension. But we got the ol' 1-2. Kim says she should be 9weeks
and the ulrasound shows a fetus at 6 weeks and "no heartbeat", awww crap! replay? Maybe your not as far long as yoou thought. Late ovulation, could have happened. Blood tests for two with results that should ahve doubled and pretty much stayed the same. Not good. So here I am trying to stay human about it and not go into the cover it up mode. I am sad. I ache for my wife. I hurt for her. I hurt for my kids, kiko(kyle my 10 year old) took it hard. Noah, understands that Heavenly Father needed the baby. He says " why does he always take them". That is kinda hard to explain to a 5 year old, but he seemed to understand. Ben, my oldest, he seemed to be okay. I let Kim tell him.
It has been a hard night....The Doctor placed a drug next to her Cervix to soften it so she could pass the miscarriage. Again I feel helpless, its on her. I can do nothing to help her but be here for her. Is that enough?
In GC Elder Quentin L. Cook related a story about how difficult a day it had been in this situation for he and his two sons on Donner Pass. His Three year old son told his mother, "hope ya know , we had a hard time". Elder Cook continued to relay that he said that his son gained comfort and then reassurance from the conversation with his mother. He then said "our prayers are that way when we go to our Father in Heaven. We know he cares for us in time of need".
I keep thinking and saying this to myself "hope ya know, we had a hard time". And then the other talk that I was directed to this eve was by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of which I will only use this quote though I recommend reading it. "Come What May, and Love It".
I want my Family to know that I love them, that I believe in and love our Father in Heaven and trust his plan, though I may not like it or the out comes.. but i know it is all part of his plan for us. We will grow from it, we will get stronger and become more faithful and trusting in him.