Ramblings on!

You know I was just thinking about my world and how up and down it has been this past year (2008 for the cornfused). We have had two miscarriages, bought a house, got into a fight with our HOA( did you know they have lawyers), Lost pretty much all my 401K (nonmatchin) and Well lost my job. Of course we had more ups than buying a house, we had two great General Conferences sessions, had three great baseball seasons, well really two but one played fall ball as well, we all had birthdays, we made some new friends and got closer to old ones, got clean in some of our past relationships and found support from those who were most likley not to be the ones we'd ask (hmm).
So here we are January 5 (well 6th now) 2009 and I am choosing soem frustration with the job search and you cant get through to unemployment to find out what I screwed up and I know I screwed up cause I havent gotten paid yet. Sometimes it feels like (somebodys watchin me, I caint get no privacy, wo oh oh) it just gets better every day and the hits just keep on comin! Oh yeah I do have a PT job, I am wrenchin on bikes at Dicks Sporting Goods. Its fun but cant pay the bills withthose shillings. I almost quit about 3 times (maybe 4) and I kept renigging on myself. I am glad I did. I am sure this was part of Gods plan for me.
I am excited for the new year and look forward to the challenges, the trials, the blessings and the accomplishment of goals. Some of those goals are as follows:

Lose 50# and get healthy

Learn how to Budget our money sos I can get some of my 401 back and maybe actually go on a honeymoon (5 years later).

Ensure that my family is prepared spiritually but holding family scripture study nightly.

Go back to school, focus on the Green Initiative (renewable energy and sources) so I can leave something great on this earth for my children and yours.

Put into motion the business of SC Kitchen Solutions.

Enroll my loved ones into the life long Journey in March of 2009.

Stretch myself even when nones looking or making me.

Be the best me I can be. Give the best of you to the world and the world will give back the best to you.

So I have declared some these goals and I will have them manifest in my life.

So there I was, So I said to myself, "Self"

So about 2 months ago I was driving home from work on e470 doing about 75mph and the engine stalls, oh crap! What the? Yeah you know all what fores ran a muck through my mouth and yes some did come out(oops!). Anyway, I digress....So i pullover and restart the van, it makes a crazy sound and it quites itself, I turn it off and crank it up again, no noise, no dummy lights good to go right? Now seriously, I am literally like 4 miles from home. So as I am exiting my exit it stalls again and now I am only 1 mile from the house, so close i could have spat on it but the dogs were in the back yard so I chose not too. Moving forward...I sell the van for a couple of 100.00 dollars and then roll to CA to receive a car from my mother in law. What a great gift this is. I also need to mention that in 2005 my dad and mom gifted us a van. This too was a huge blessing since we were moving to CA. Our family has certainly been there for us in hard times and not so hard times.
Anyway, as I was driving back from CA which was a fairly quick drive but, I had some time to do a little thinking(i needed some time for sure). So there I was driving across the gap between Reno NV and Wendover NV, falling asleep at the wheel rolling the windows down rolling the windows up, wondering how far I could make it on a quart of Mountain Dew, 12 oz bag of Skittles and less than a quarter tank of gas, oh yeah and about 4 hours of sleep. During this time I was having a conversation with Heavenly Father about somethings that are important to me and in this conversation one thing became very clear to me. We are not in control. We can make the decisions but he has his plan for us. He has our trials already figured out, he knows what will come for us. HE knows what we can handle and will never give us more than that. As he stretches and pulls and tries us, he blesses us if we are faithful and reliant on him. He really does give us the opportunity to go him and lay our burdens at his feet, I cant speak for you but for me I don't do it enough. So I get back safely, roll in to bed and get some good sleep and for as much as I hate, yes hate, my mattress it felt so good to pour myself into. I awoke the next morning to my wife and Noah. Man I love those guys. I missed my other two older guys that were at their fathers. Saturday comes and goes and so does Sunday.
Monday morning I awke and things feel a little weird. I could not put my finger on it but I thought it was probably just the going back to work and not knowing what I was walking into.
Well, I get to work and things seemed to be as usual when I am gone for an extended period of time, someone has called off, the office is a wreck, I am getting grumpy and well I just had to get over it. This is where it gets good.
I get a call from the area manager, Dac, who says "Andrew(our Director of Operations) wants you to pull your staff for a meeting at 2 o'clock". Thats weird, in two years he has never wanted to have a meeting. Now I can back track a moment and let you know that on Friday as I was driving back form CA I received and email from our corp headquarters that canceled a flyer that I was having built for a promo we doing. When this happened the first thought that came to me was that we lost the account. Then no Cogs budget was sent to me from my Area manager. These things just weren't accidents. I asked Dac what was going on and continued to let him in on what I thought. He had no idea.
Well that afternoon Andrew came in told us that Western Union had canceled our contract and as of Dec 12th we would have no jobs. Well he didn't say no jobs but I know that reality of this.
So now there are all these plans to close it up and it is truly like knowing the day you are going to die. I don't feel desperate and I don't feel let down. I still know that as a professional I will keep my head up and go out with class and dignity. My staff is doing the same. This is a sign of the times. These last couple of weeks have been the opportunities that the Lord has given to me to lean on him and place my burdens at his feet. I had a great talk with the Bishop of our ward. He is an awesome and inspired man. For the last couple of weeks every time he would see me he would ask how work was how the finances were and where I was at. My response, "Good, good to go". Thats right shove it down repress it and never see it again....until I feel prompted to go and speak with the Bishop and by the time I got there I had actually forgotten why or my reason had changed. I guess I just needed to tell someone that I was really really scared! I don't want to burden my wife with this but I hadn't found it within me to get upon my knees and call on my heavenly father. What a great talk we had. And I am not scared. I have asked the Lord for peace in my heart as we go through this and affirmation that things will be okay. I have received those things. I still need to rely on him both night and day, in public and in private, when I need him and when I don't feel as though I need him.
It feels good to be able to let this out and continue to blog about it. I dont that I will be a daily blogger, but stayed tuned for more.
So there I was, so I said to myself, "self, do that which is the hardest for you to do, rely on and trust in those around you".
PEACE! I'm outta here!

"Hope ya know, we had a hard time" Elder Q.L. Cook

So here I am, feeling pretty helpless, frustrated, hopeful, heartfelt, loved, upset and most of all faithful. I am not the best example of a Melchizedeck Priesthood holder in The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I try to do good I really do. None the less this last General Conference was pretty awesome as they usually are and there were some things that reached out and punched me square in the head! The biggest one was how much faith I lack in my day to day life and how I always ask but never really strive for the answers on my own. I have realized I am in some circles what they call "a taker". The reason I bring this up is because here I am in the first 1/4 of November and feeling sorrowful and at a loss of what to do as a husband, father and priesthood holder in my home. As I strive for the answers as to "how?", I find my iniquities are in my way. Now I am sure that those of you who might read this may disagree and some may agree, whatever the case just know that i am not by any means righteous.
So the real reason I am writing this is because i have come to a crossroads. Back in April my lovely Bride had to endure something that I can not even conceive of mentally or emotionally. She was 18 weeks along and when we went in to the Doctors office for the 20 week ultrasound we found out that the baby had no heartbeat and that she would have to deliver because of its age. Well to make a long story short, she did it was a little boy and we named him Ryan. Seems his umbilical cord just twisted and cut off his life supply and he had been gone for about 1 week or so. I got to bless him and as much as i resisted I held him. You know that would have made it all to real for me. Being from a military background and a crash investigator i learned quickly how to separate the loss of human life from the reality of human life, though not always good in the real world it works wonders for the death side of our life. The other side of this was that now you see I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and as a member of The church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints I have the full truthfulness. I have the knowledge of the plan of salvation. So this made it a lot easier to be human about it. I just trusted that Heavenly Fathers plan was in action. I mean really who could deny this with the knowledge of the truth. While those around me were angry and cursing the Heavens, my beautiful wife and I softly sat and prayed for his comfort. We knew there was a greater good, even if that meant it was a trial for us. It was truly amazing. I watched two miracles take place that week. I got to see Heavenly Fathers Plan of Salvation at work in my life and I received the blessing of being able to Baptize my Earthly Father into the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints not more than 3 months after I was able Baptize my Earthly Mother into the Church. What a glorious trying time this was for me. I mourned but in hind site not as i needed to, only as much as I would let myself feel too. I have a tendency to get quite and deal with things internally and not really involve those around me not beacuse I dont want them involved but because I don't want them involved(its okay you don't have to get it). So I roll through it, talk to Heavenly Father about it, open up a little more to the one person I feel very safe doing that with and got past it. I havent forgotten it I have just gotten past it.
So up to date. Kim calls me on October 9th and tells me that she is Prego. I am stoked of couse but withheld beacuse of the April situation. I felt good about this pregnacy. We were at my parents house and I felt impressed to give Kim a blessing while we were there as well as she did. So I did. I dont recall most of this blessing, but I do remeber it being very powerful and guided. As time ticked by we come upon the big first Doctor visit to get the good to go signal. Of course there was apprehension. But we got the ol' 1-2. Kim says she should be 9weeks
and the ulrasound shows a fetus at 6 weeks and "no heartbeat", awww crap! replay? Maybe your not as far long as yoou thought. Late ovulation, could have happened. Blood tests for two with results that should ahve doubled and pretty much stayed the same. Not good. So here I am trying to stay human about it and not go into the cover it up mode. I am sad. I ache for my wife. I hurt for her. I hurt for my kids, kiko(kyle my 10 year old) took it hard. Noah, understands that Heavenly Father needed the baby. He says " why does he always take them". That is kinda hard to explain to a 5 year old, but he seemed to understand. Ben, my oldest, he seemed to be okay. I let Kim tell him.
It has been a hard night....The Doctor placed a drug next to her Cervix to soften it so she could pass the miscarriage. Again I feel helpless, its on her. I can do nothing to help her but be here for her. Is that enough?
In GC Elder Quentin L. Cook related a story about how difficult a day it had been in this situation for he and his two sons on Donner Pass. His Three year old son told his mother, "hope ya know , we had a hard time". Elder Cook continued to relay that he said that his son gained comfort and then reassurance from the conversation with his mother. He then said "our prayers are that way when we go to our Father in Heaven. We know he cares for us in time of need".
I keep thinking and saying this to myself "hope ya know, we had a hard time". And then the other talk that I was directed to this eve was by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of which I will only use this quote though I recommend reading it. "Come What May, and Love It".
I want my Family to know that I love them, that I believe in and love our Father in Heaven and trust his plan, though I may not like it or the out comes.. but i know it is all part of his plan for us. We will grow from it, we will get stronger and become more faithful and trusting in him.

First one

Hello everyone! I am new here to this thing they call blogging. My wife on the other hand is an expert..and here is my first lesson topic...Blogging, who would have thought that this would be the wave of the future 8 years ago? Not me. I am jealous of my wife and her expertise in this arena